Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
