How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Randomize
