I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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