I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
