Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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