I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
