I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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