Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
