apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
