and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
