Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
