Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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