Don't make out with my wife yet
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
