I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
