her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
