After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
worst night to have a conscience
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
