Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
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Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
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Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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