I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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