there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
