you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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