i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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