There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
