we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
