So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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