On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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