I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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