Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
