a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Randomize
