If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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