I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
