Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
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