remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
