you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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