my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
