I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
