My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
