i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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