Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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