I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
