tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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