can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
