I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I love having hate sex.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
