I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
