i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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