I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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