So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
