if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize