I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
