Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
