I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
