remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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