Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
