Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I came so hard my ears popped.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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