Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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