So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
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Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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