I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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