my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
